


Breathe

by KuroKairin



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Child Neglect, Drowning, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2021-01-21 02:56:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21292472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuroKairin/pseuds/KuroKairin
Summary: Written for "Penumbra: A Rika Fanzine"
Relationships: Kim Yoosung & Rika
Kudos: 6





	Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Written for "Penumbra: A Rika Fanzine"

Azure.

It was all that flooded her field of vision. Sparkling beautifully before her drowsy emerald eyes, it conjured a curious illusion of tiny fairies darting around playfully as rays of bright light refracted throughout its body. It was of a calming hue; a prickly cold sensation enveloped her entire frame when she pushed herself against it, yet its colour brought a warm solace that her lonely soul had yearned for. Quietly and gently, it caressed her fatigued body and lulled her slowly to a slumber deeper than the depths she was descending into.

During the descent, her spiritless self was pinned by immense pressure toward the seabed. She could not breathe. Locks of her wavy blonde hair fluttered in slow motion around her. In this vast blue kingdom, even time seemed to be caught in its drag. Gradually, speckles of light grew fainter and her eyelids felt heavier as she surrendered herself to the pull that was sucking everything into dead darkness. Like a feather in free-fall, she was helplessly gravitating toward the end. She was…

__________

As if startled, the wooden frame supporting the soft mattress creaked ungraciously when the young woman who was sleeping on it sprang up without warning in the middle of the humid night. Her dry mouth agape with alarm, the blonde lady could feel warm air gushing from her lungs as she sat shakingly in bed, catching her breath. Damp hair plastered to her glistening forehead and neck, while the drenched nightgown clung uncomfortably to her sweaty back. The loud throbbing of her rapid pulse only began to subside when her pale green eyes started to regain focus, eventually bringing the awareness of her current location to attention.

_ Everything’s fine, Rika _ , she quietly comforted her startled self as she gently placed her trembling palm over the left side of her chest to soothe her shaken heart. _ Everything’s fine. _ The same words of assurance were repeated continuously in her mind when she closed her eyes and steadied her laboured breathing. _ You’re safe, Rika. It was just a dream. Yes, just a… _

Nightmare.

A heavy sigh escaped her dry lips while her dehydrated throat silently screamed for her to head to the kitchen for a glass of water. Preparing to get out of bed, she took a glance at the digital clock sitting atop the nightstand. Next to her single bed, the glowing digits on the clock face read 3:11 AM — approximately two more hours until the alarm would go off.

_ I suppose I can start my day early today. _ Still in her sweat-soaked nightgown, she slipped on her favourite pair of pink slippers before walking toward the bedroom window and drawing back its thick curtains; the sky outside had yet been lit by the sun due to the current hour. She proceeded to gather a set of dry clothes from her wardrobe and left her empty bedroom for the kitchen, where she would get herself hydrated before going for a warm shower to wash off her cold sweat.

Along the way, she passed by her adoptive parents’ bedroom. The master bedroom, while well-kept, was vacant, just as it had been for several years now since the married couple moved overseas for work. Although she was adopted by them when she was three, the memories she had with her adoptive parents were sparse and depressingly empty like the house itself. They did not spend much time together as a family as the adults were always burying themselves in work. When the couple was later assigned overseas posts under their company, they would initially return to Seoul for brief visits only during the Korean New Year holiday. However, their yearly visits ceased once their adopted daughter reached the age of thirteen and they deemed her old enough to take care of herself. Since then, the only forms of communication that she retained with her adoptive parents were occasional emails and frequent bank remittance.

_ On the bright side, I have a house to live in and I don’t have to worry about the utility bills _, her thoughts drifted when she stepped into the shower, letting her body be rinsed thoroughly by clean water that drizzled on her from the shower head. With the icky sweat washed away from her fair skin, the unpleasant dream and memories were, too, flushed away from her loud mind. Lingering fear and unease in her heart were soon muted by comforting warmth radiating from the flowing fluid cocooning her.

Rejuvenated, Rika emerged from the bathroom in fresh clothes. A faint scent of daffodil wafted through the air, tracing her soft trail as she made her way back to her bedroom. She was welcomed by the unlit spacious room that bore nothing but cheerless silence, the same way every other part of the house did for the past seven years since she was left all alone there. But she gave the familiar quietude little attention — she had endured far worse silent treatment throughout her childhood and adolescence.

She sat herself down in front of a white acrylic desk, switching on the desk lamp that had accompanied her loyally through numerous late night study sessions in middle school. Free of clutter, the desk surface reflected an ideal mental state that she hoped to achieve; a cylindrical stationery holder with some black pens, a calendar featuring nature photography, a leather spiral-bound planner, and a bilingual Bible sat neatly on the desk. Textbooks and assignment papers that once stacked high on the tabletop were all cleared away when she decided to work instead of continuing with high school education.

Taking the planner, she unhesitatingly flipped to the page where details of her schedule for the day and coming weekend were dutifully noted down. While she could have easily used the calendar app on her smartphone, she preferred to use a physical book where only through manual writing on the solid paper would she feel that they were all real events actually occurring in her life. Furthermore, with her holding the pen and working on the schedules, she could feel herself taking direct charge of her own life, something which seemed unattainable through electronic input.

_ Dinner with Yoosung after work tonight _ , the young woman nodded and hummed approvingly as she carefully scanned through the tasks already written on the page. _ Volunteer service at the nursing home after half-day work tomorrow. Then, Mass at church on Sunday morning and visiting Yoosung’s house in the evening. _

Schedule for the following week was still empty. Yet, she favoured it this way — planning her timetable one week at a time. Lining tasks up too far ahead would cause her anxiety, especially when she could not stick to her original plan due to last-minute changes. Having a perfect detailed plan for an entire month only to constantly worry that it would soon be jeopardised was something she loathed to experience. There was another, unspoken reason why she felt it practical to plan her schedule in short time frames: nobody knew when the Grim Reaper would come knocking on her door.

With the planner closed, she brushed her dainty fingers thoughtfully across the Latin phrase ‘Carpe Diem’ embroidered on the cover. Just then, the digital clock on the nightstand beeped as the digits updated themselves to show 5:00 AM. In synchrony, her smartphone lying by the digital clock vibrated and started playing a soothing ballad that had been Rika’s favourite song since three years ago.

Using the song’s unhurried tempo as a guide, she prepared herself for the day. After putting on light makeup and ensuring that her long wavy hair was neat and presentable, she packed a polyurethane shoulder bag with her daily essentials, namely her planner book with pen, smartphone, wallet, hand antiseptic, cosmetic and skincare products. Unadorned, the beige bag added a layer of maturity and elegance to the petite silhouette who carried it over her right shoulder.

Watching the blonde lady exit the gloomy dark house, the first rays of sunlight greeted her shyly with a gentle kiss. “Hwaiting! _ (Fighting!) _” She pumped herself up with a word of encouragement before she wholeheartedly inhaled a lungful of the cool fresh air. An intense invigorating sensation reverberated through her soul, fuelling her desire to do her best for yet another day.

__________

It was 7:07 AM when Rika, in her primped office wear, reached the business-centric area via the Seoul Metropolitan Subway train. The streets were already lined with men and women of varying physiques donning similar outfits and carrying similar haste in their stride, all of whom were making a beeline for their respective offices. Although the weekend was just round the corner, they paid it no mind; for these white-collar employees, it was business as usual.

“Egg sandwich and hot Americano for takeaway, please,” Rika’s voice was bright and cheerful as she placed her order with the attendant at the counter. It was the same morning routine every workday; she would buy light breakfast from a nearby cafeteria, then head for her workplace. No matter how busy she might be, she made it a point to never skip meals. Essentially, anyone would require energy to fight — herself included.

Her office was on the eleventh floor of a commercial building that doubled as a shopping mall, with the first five floors reserved for retail outlets and the rest for various small and medium-sized enterprises’ administrative and work offices. “Annyeonghaseyo. _ (Good morning.) _” People in business suits exchanged pleasantries with fellow colleagues as they passed one another at the lobby. Some went to climb the stairs, while most of them, like Rika, waited for the elevator.

As soon as the elevator door slid open, the waiting crowd promptly filled themselves into any available standing space they could find within the upright rectangular box. In a matter of seconds, the elevator’s capacity reached its limit and those who did not manage to squeeze in waited, uncomplaining, for another elevator. Even though everyone had to get to work on time, no one acted impatiently. Yet, in spite of everybody’s civility and the relaxing elevator music playing in the background, the cramped ride was suffocating as usual; there was simply little room for breathing in the confined space.

It did not take long for Rika to finally reach the eleventh floor. Leaving the packed elevator with a sigh of relief, she made her way toward the work office, her untouched breakfast still warm in the brown paper bag she carried in hand.

The company she was working for specialised in event management. It was a small enterprise that provided professional management services for local events ranging from company functions to group tours and exhibitions. She was one of the Event Coordinators in the company, responsible for handling individual clients’ enquiries over the phone and emails, as well as seeing any project that was allocated to her through. Most of her work had to be done within the regular office hours as local business partners that she might have to liaise with for a particular project operate during similar timings too. While there was pressure to complete the day’s work within the same day itself, the nature of the job allowed her to enjoy some work-life balance, so long as last-minute urgent requests from clients did not pop out often.

By the time she reached the office, several co-workers were already there; some were seated at their work cubicles using their mobile phones, some were finishing up their breakfast, and some were casually chit-chatting amongst themselves. They were each enjoying the short moment of respite in their own ways before they all had to officially bury themselves in work for the rest of the day.

En route to her work cubicle, she exchanged simple hellos and courteous nods with those who were present. She set her beige bag on the table at her cubicle before switching on the workstation and taking her warm breakfast out of the paper bag. During the time when the computer was slowly booting up, she ate her sandwich in between sips of coffee and opened KakaoTalk, an instant messaging app, on her smartphone. There was a new message from Kim Yoosung.

YOOSUNG > [ Annyeong, noona! _ (Mornin’, older sister!) _ I’d just reached school. Looking forward 2 our meeting tonight! Let’s work hard today! Fighting! ^_^ ]

Her pink lips curled up into a small smile as she read the text. Yoosung was her younger male cousin from her adoptive mother’s familial side. Growing up in her adoptive family, she was told about the existence of her extended family but due to the estrangement between her adoptive parents and their families, Rika did not meet Yoosung in person until two years prior.

RIKA > [ Annyeong! Yes, let’s do our best! Fighting! See U tonight :) ]

A few quick taps on the clear LCD screen and the text message was sent. However, she did not wait for a reply. She understood that he might not have the time to do so: the single-gender public middle school Yoosung was attending required its students to surrender their electronic devices at the beginning of every school day. It was likely that she would not receive a reply until much later that evening when Yoosung’s classes ended for the day.

Done with her light breakfast, she disposed of the empty food packagings into the respective slots of a nearby recycling bin. _ Alright, Rika, let’s give it your best shot! _ She gave a resolute nod to herself as she logged into her staff account on the workstation, ready to tackle the next few long hours of work.

__________

Lunchtime came and went quickly and after a few more excruciatingly slow hours of toiling, people began knocking off work one by one. Offices inside the tall building started to get spacious as the sky outside started to get dimmer.

“Sugohaseyo! _ (Keep up the hard work!) _” Rika bade the remaining colleagues adieu before she left the office. Taking the flight of stairs toward the shopping mall area situated below, she unlocked her phone to read the latest text received.

YOOSUNG > [ Noona, I’m OMW! On the subway now. ]

She took a quick look at the top right corner of her phone’s screen, where the current time was displayed. There was still about twenty minutes to their scheduled meeting time.

RIKA > [ OK~ I’ll wait for you in the restaurant. ]

A few seconds later, Yoosung replied with a sticker depicting a cute cartoon puppy making the ‘Okay’ hand sign. Almost immediately, another cartoon puppy sticker followed, this time drooling and saying ‘I’m hungry’.

RIKA > [ Eat your fill later then! Kkk _ (Haha) _ ]

Yoosung sent yet another cartoon puppy sticker; it was smiling and its big round eyes sparkled in anticipation.

Soft giggles escaped her mouth when she saw his sticker response. She could totally see how fitting those cute puppy illustrations were with her cousin’s personality. Putting the pink smartphone back in her bag, she continued down the staircase. 

Before long, she reached the landing leading to the third floor of the shopping mall. The Western restaurant where they were going to dine at was located on that level. A bright scenery bustling with people unveiled itself as she opened the door from the side of the secluded stairwell. The sudden assault on her senses — from the colourful light decorations, the excited murmurs and upbeat music, as well as the tantalising aroma of freshly cooked food — left her slightly dazed. It was a Friday evening and the shopping mall was very much alive with people and activities.

Gripping the strap of her shoulder bag somewhat tightly, she held her breath momentarily. Then, wearing a plastic smile, she waded through the noisy crowd, all the while cautious to avoid eavesdropping on others’ conversations or making eye contact with the strangers around her.

Being alone in a huge sea of total strangers made her jittery. It was by virtue of having familiar colleagues present that she could manage similar crowds at the bigger events she had to host for work. But when it was just her alone facing so many unfamiliar faces, a lot more thoughts tended to rush through her mind.

_ You can do this, Rika! _ Trying her best not to listen to the mean thoughts forming inside her head, she forced her mind to focus solely on her destination. _ There, just a few more steps and you’ll be out of here. _

Her tensed muscles finally relaxed once she stepped foot into the restaurant, where the air conditioners blew an inviting cool breeze across her sweaty forehead. Although the outlet was similarly populated with strangers, its dining crowd was considerably sparse compared to the strolling crowd outside. Moreover, most diners were too busy enjoying their meals to put their focus on another stranger under normal circumstances.

Exhausted from her plod through the thick crowd, she plopped down on the chair at an empty table that she had found in a quieter corner of the eatery. She then whipped out her phone to send a short message to Yoosung.

RIKA > [ I found us a table at the left corner, closer to the wall. ]

A few seconds passed before a text arrived with a brief ping.

YOOSUNG > [ Got it, noona! Reaching in 10min! ]

Putting her smartphone away, she combed her fringe aside and dabbed her sweaty forehead with a piece of clean tissue. Crowds and her had never mixed well, not since she grew up under the scrutinising stares of people around her. If there was not a positive thing to divert her attention to, she would end up getting overwhelmed by her unpleasant thoughts.

_ What’d be good for dinner? _ She mulled over each mouth-watering selection as she flipped through the menu provided on the table. Whenever they decided to meet for a meal, she would always suggest places that did not serve the usual Korean food that they could have at anytime, anywhere. Though the bill tallied to be rather expensive at times, she did not mind spending some of her hard-earned salary on her cousin. Yoosung was, in her eyes, a good boy who deserved to be pampered.

Two years ago, when they were to meet for the first time, she did not look forward to it at all. Years of growing up surrounded by bad people made her eye every new person she met with wariness and suspicion. Considering how impassive her adoptive parents were toward her, she did not have any reason to believe that the extended family members would treat her any better. Ultimately, she did not truly belong under their family tree; she was just an adopted child, an outsider who did not share their blood.

He, however, proved her wrong. He was the first to show her that good people still exist in a world she believed was corroded by evil. At the start, she was convinced that it was all but an elaborate act he had put up for the sole purpose of conforming to the unspoken social norm. Indeed, he did confess that he started to spend more time with her because his mother had nudged him to do so. But that, as she later realised, was spoken as a matter of fact rather than with a hidden connotation.

The more she spent time with him, the more his sincerity bore through to her. His enthusiasm while around her, his concern for her, and his interest in her life — none of them was a mere facade for show. But she knew that he definitely did not give her any special treatment for Yoosung was the kind of pure soul who would treat anybody he met just as earnestly. She was, nevertheless, grateful.

“Noona!” A joyous boyish voice radiating innocence and warmth called out to her. A middle school student came running up to her table, panting slightly and his short brown hair was a little ruffled. “Sorry to have kept you waiting.”

“No worries, Yoosung. I didn’t wait long,” she smiled and gestured for him to take a seat. “Here, what would you like to eat?”

Removing the bulky school bag off his small shoulders, he sat opposite her and took the menu from her hand. As his purple eyes scanned through the items on the menu, he gulped involuntarily. “Well…” The teenager looked up at her sheepishly.

“You don’t have to hold back.” Aware that he was hesitating because of the prices marked on the menu, she pouted and reminded him about her offer. “I’m happy to treat you, Yoosung. And it’s not like we’re eating out like this every day. Seriously, I won’t go broke from treating you.”

“I know, noona,” he scratched his head apologetically. “It’s not about that at all, really! It’s, err...” His eyes darted from side to side nervously as he slowly lowered his head and avoided her gaze. “Um, everything on the menu looks so delicious, I can’t choose, heheh…”

“Hmm…” She squinted her emerald eyes ever so slightly as she observed her cousin’s panicked face. It was clear as day to her that he was telling a white lie. Yet, that was just Yoosung being Yoosung, always being too considerate of others. “Well, how about a burger set?”

“Eh,” His head jerked in surprise as if he was expecting his lie to fall right through. “Um… Sure! That’d be nice, noona!”

She reached out her hand to pat his head a few times, smoothing out the ruffled parts of his hair at the same time. “Growing kids like you should eat well.” Smiling, she stood up and grabbed her wallet from her bag. “Wait here. I’ll go and place the orders.”

While waiting in queue behind the other customers, she glanced back at their table. Her younger cousin, too, happened to look in her direction. Their eyes met and she could sense his deep admiration for her through those innocent violet eyes. This admiration was a huge contrast to the sympathy she sensed in his eyes when they met in the beginning. Although she could not comprehend what was admirable about herself or her life, she remembered him mentioning that he looked up to her as a role model. It was a remark so curious, it made her wished she could view herself with more of his positive outlook. Nonetheless, a huge part of her maintained that he should not view her as his role model for she knew she was simply not apt as one.

The older cousin soon returned with a coaster pager in hand, an indication that their orders had been placed. “So, how’s school?” She asked casually as she set the plastic disc gently on the table and took her seat.

“Packed with activities, as usual.” Yoosung briefly thought about the thick textbooks in his black bag. “But the first semester’s been going smoothly so far with the help of nice teachers and classmates.”

“That’s good to hear,” she listened intently as he recounted his recent school weeks with zest. Her smile was laced with a tinge of bittersweetness while she listened on. Only had he finished sharing did she speak again. “It’s reassuring to know you’re enjoying school, Yoosung. Ah, how time flies! It feels like it’s only yesterday when I saw you enter middle school.”

“I know, right?” He laughed softly, nostalgia apparent in his bright eyes. “And in one more semester’s time, I’ll be in my final year in middle school.”

“Hmm, would you invite me to your graduation ceremony?” Her tone was teasing but her voice quavered with anxious anticipation. Despite already knowing that Yoosung would never disregard her the same way her adopted parents did, she still had her insecurities.

“Of course, noona!” Oblivious to the nervousness in her voice, he replied firmly and sincerely. “I’ll be extremely happy if noona can attend my graduation ceremony!”

Relief washed over her and she let out a chuckle. “Okay, it’s a promise!” Breaking her custom of scheduling things week by week, this time she had, without hesitation, promised her cousin to attend his middle school graduation ceremony that was still three semesters away.

“Really?” His face practically lit up with bliss. “I promise I’ll study hard and make you proud, noona!”

“Yes,” she smiled thankfully at the young boy who had constantly shown her hope — a hope that she did belong there, in that family. “Noona believes in you, Yoosung.”

For a moment, neither of them knew what else to say and they simply basked in each other’s contagious warm smile. Suddenly, the circular pager on the table buzzed, effectively breaking the silence between them.

“Dinner’s here!” She had went to retrieve their dinner from the counter and was promptly back with a tray loaded with plates of delicious Western cuisine. “Here, Yoosung. Bacon cheeseburger set with fries and onion rings for you. I figured you’d be famished.”

As if in agreement, his stomach growled audibly when he received the white porcelain plate from her. “Kamsahamnida! _ (Thank you!) _ I’ll split the utensils, noona.” Partly to hide the embarrassing growl, he quickly helped to distribute the clean silverware among themselves from the tray. In no time, the table was set.

“So, have you thought about which high school you want to enter?” She revisited their earlier conversation as they began tucking into their hearty dinner.

High school was the optional education that she had forgone for early financial independence. She remembered her decision had, unsurprisingly, shocked all those who knew about it back then. All, save for her adoptive parents who remained unmoved and had told her ‘You’re old enough to make your own choices. Whatever you do, just don’t be a burden to the family.’

“Well, I think I’d choose the one that’s near home.” He nodded to himself, like he was mentally confirming his choice. “It’d be less tiring to commute after those long hours in school.”

“That’s a practical choice,” she commented as she ate another spoonful of her dinner. The cheesy aroma and creamy texture of cheddar broccoli soup served in a bread bowl filled her with pleasure. Still, her face paled when it dawned on her that her cousin would soon have to devote his time fully to his studies.

Like everyone else in his cohort, he would soon be studying all day and night to compete for a precious spot in a prestigious college. In a country where getting into a reputable university was seen as the golden ticket to a good future, she could not possibly deny him of the promising future he deserved.

Under a thin air of melancholy, the dinner proceeded with more casual chats, mostly revolving around either his school or her work. Time passed by quickly in the presence of pleasant company and in the blink of an eye, it was time for the two of them to return home.

“Will you be coming to the nursing home tomorrow?” She asked as they walked side by side under the tranquil night sky. They were on their way to the subway station where they would be taking different train lines home.

“Yes, I’ll be there, noona.”

“Mhm.” She nodded lightly. Her heart was heavy but she reminded herself that they would meet again during the coming weekend. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Take care on your way back, Yoosung. Text me when you get home?”

“Sure, I will. You too, noona.”

At that moment, the automated announcement at the station signalled the arrival of a train at the platform. The cousins looked at each other in silence, their unspoken unwillingness to part hung quietly in the air. Managing a faint smile, she spoke first. “Your train’s here, Yoosung. You better get going!”

The brown haired teenager nodded. “Right. See you tomorrow, noona.”

“Jalga! _ (Bye!) _” She waved goodbye to him, her forlorn eyes lingering on him as he moved alongside other commuters toward the subway train that was parked next to the platform. When Yoosung’s train was at last out of sight, she faced the opposite platform and sighed. Once again, she was all alone.

_ I’ll see him again tomorrow. _ She tried to cheer herself up by thinking about their next meeting. While she knew that Yoosung’s presence in her life was destined to be transient like a shooting star, she could not help but wish that this bright star of hope could light her dark lonely world a little longer. _ Everything will be fine. You can do this on your own, Rika. _

Her thoughts were abruptly interrupted by the announcement regarding the arrival of her train. When the train doors opened, she pushed her depressing feelings aside and marched on.

It was, after all, just another day.


End file.
